The last few months have been full of big changes for me. Heck, that last few years have been nothing but changes. I like to remind myself that this is life happening in real time. All those big things that are supposed to happen in your life have happened to me in the last four years – graduate school, first big job, first big failure (losing said job), moving to a new city, getting engaged and married, getting settled into a career, getting pregnant, having a baby, buying a house, getting pregnant again. Exhausting.
It’s not hard to see why I feel a little unsettled and even a little uncomfortable. Since moving into our house, I’ve been struggling a bit with this next chapter in my life. I was feeling lost and, frankly, afraid. It’s as if four years ago I had a vision of the trajectory of my life, held my breath, and woke up four years later a little dazed and confused.
I touched on this in my 15 week bumpdate last week, but this whole mom thing has got me feeling things I never thought I would feel in my life. I had always balked at the idea of being maternal, and now the reality of that has never sounded so right. Like I said, I’m exhausted, and partially because I’m tired of splitting my worlds – professional and personal. Call me naive, but I thought that I would be able to continue to break all the glass ceilings during the day, play choo-choo and change diapers all night and weekend and it would all feel right.
But I don’t even want that anymore.
After long talks with David, and a lot of soul-searching, I’m starting to find clarity in what I want out of my life. My word for 2018 was intention, and I’ve realized that being intentional with my decisions bring me the most happiness, balance and flexibility that I crave.
So what does that look like?
Let’s start with broad strokes. First, it means taking care of myself – physically and mentally. That means eating better, getting my body moving, reading books, and continuing to have those introspective conversations with myself that will provide clarity and motivation.
Second, it means allowing myself to get comfortable with this new version of me. I’m at my best when I’m vulnerable, passionate, emotional and spontaneous. I’ve been fighting these natural instincts because my vision of a working mom is orderly, put-together, and poised. But those characteristics are never and will never be me. Won’t Finn be best when I’m at my best, regardless if that means I’m a little haphazard and chaotic sometimes? Those words get a bad wrap, but some of the best days are those filled with complete chaos 🙂
Third, it means sharing more about these feelings – hence being vulnerable. Ask my mom and she’ll tell you I’ve always been a thinker and probably overly emotional. But those things are what make me, me! I love nostalgia, and hearing songs you haven’t heard in forever, and listening to lyrics, and keeping crap that has sentimental value. I love deep conversation and making changes out of those conversations. I love asking why not?!
Most of these thoughts may seem natural and a little random, but to be honest I’ve been tricked into believing that being vulnerable is a negative thing. The realization that out of vulnerability comes clarity is huge, and something I’ve been searching for for the last few years.
So, some other random thoughts to leave you with 🙂
- If you’re feeling uncomfortable or out of sorts, don’t fight it. Let your feelings take their natural path and work themselves out.
- If you’re feeling too comfortable, do something TODAY that makes you feel uncomfortable. Change only happens when you’re outside of your comfort zone.
- Thanks for reading this blog. It’s my biggest passion and often gets pushed to the side to make room for other adult responsibilities, but I’ve never regretted writing a single post and I appreciate you taking some time to read them all.